so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
