I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
