if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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