She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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