I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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