weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
