i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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