if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
