don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
