if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
