True but thats because hes a fetus.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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