Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
