Your favorite bartender is back from prision
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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