She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
