She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
