she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize