$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
