Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
