you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
