I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
