I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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