I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
