it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
