Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
