you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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