If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
