everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
