totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
