i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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