Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
