No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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