it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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