Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
