Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
She swung at the pinata with crutches
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
