my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
And then he peed in my hair
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