I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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