I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
