I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Hippo gnu deer
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Sorry my hands just texted you
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
