We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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