wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
