Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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