Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
