In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
