He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
