A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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