i would punch a child for taco bell
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Houston, we have a squirter
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
