i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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