Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
