Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
