Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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