Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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