Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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