your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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