I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
