My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She told me I should be a condom model.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
