My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
